This is going to be my last post for awhile. A lot has changed in me since I left school last Friday. I’ve found myself again. There is a peace in me that I haven’t felt in a long time. Somehow, I found my way back to God. I didn’t think it was possible. My brain took so many twists and turns. I found flaws, I searched, discovered and finally believed. I love Him, and I don’t care who knows it. He steps over and through my trust issues, He breaks down the walls I build up, and He catches me when I fall into those endless pits of destructive thought. I love Him. I trust Him.
I tried out a different lifestyle before break. Despite the tension and conflict I felt, I stayed there for awhile. I indulged in it. That’s not who I am though. I thought maybe that could be who I should be, and maybe I was just sheltered from it for so long that I didn’t know. I was wrong though. The anger, the anguish, the doubt, the defeat all pushed me there. I got a taste of how easy it is to slip. I had easy access - more than easy, instant - to any substance and any activity I had abstained from for my 18 years of life. It scared me. I realized once again that I am not indestructible. At any moment, one choice could make my life go in a completely different direction. The freedom I thought I would find turns out to be a bind. I have lost things that I can’t get back, but I don’t regret for an instant.
I have felt the difference between the peace and the tension, and I know 100% what I want for myself now.
Everything in life is fragile. Nothing is beyond breaking.
